Hey hey. I know I blogged on Tuesday, but it feels like it's been ages since that happened. Normally I do a "Flashback Friday" edition of old school stories, but yesterday was July 4th, so I spent the day getting wasted, like any able bodied American woman. Because everybody knows if you don't get drunk and/or blow shit up on July 4th, it means you hate America and then the terrorists will win
So anyway. Today I have two stories to share with you, both written about upon request. The first is dedicated to one of my dearest friends, Mich , who I met while working at the restaurant. A few summers ago, we were both working a morning shift, and a somewhat insane looking woman came in and demanded a to-go coffee. Our bartender was in the bathroom, so Mich attempted to help the woman. Bartender returned, Mich directed the woman's attention to the bartender, and the woman asked him for a coffee. As it happened, the bar coffee pot was empty, so our bartender asked Mich to go get him a new one, which she did. In the meantime, he began to make drink tickets that servers were waiting on. Because...you know...why would he just stare into space and wait for a coffee pot? Gotta get shit done. So apparently this woman thought we were all ignoring her desperate need for coffee, started screaming about splenda, and stormed out of the restaurant. Of course in the process she shoves right by poor Mich, hits the tray that she's carrying, and ends up clocking Mich in the face with it. Our manager at the time saw the whole thing and chased the woman down the street, which was pretty great. So yeah. That's the kind of customers we get in my workplace. And I love coffee. I understand the need for coffee. But I can't say that I've ever thrown a fit and clocked a waitress in the face with a tray.
Our second story today is one that lives on in infamy for those who were there. I almost didn't write about it because it deals with public breastfeeding, which I know is a touchy subject for many people. I'm not a parent, nor do I ever plan on being a parent, and it's not up to me to tell people how to feed their kids. Honestly 99 percent of the time, I could give a shit about women who breast feed in public, because really what are you supposed to do? Not leave your house for a year? That being said, I do think it's a little bit weird for people to be breastfeeding toddlers in public(or at all), especially when those toddlers are also eating eggs and pancakes and various other items ordered from the menu. A couple summers ago, a rather odd looking family came in. A mom, a dad, and two boys. The older one was six or seven, and the younger one was three or four. The younger child had a full vocabulary, was wearing sneakers, and rode into the restaurant on a tricycle. But hey, whatever. So they sit, they order food, and then the mom takes her entire tit out of her dress and starts feeding the toddler. So he's kind of sitting there awkwardly on her lap, sneakers up on the table, sucking away. Weird enough. Once he's finished he proceeds to leap up and run around the restaurant yelling "I eat the boob! I eat the boob!" Oh, and then his mom looked at him and said "you love boobies don't you? yummy yummy boobies!" So yeah, the whole thing was just really fucking creepy. And again, I know I'm in no place to comment since I'm not a parent, but I like to think if I was in charge of a kid, I'd teach them not to scream phrases like "I eat the boob!" all over the place. It's just not classy. I think at one point my co-workers and I decided that we were going to use "eating the boob" as code for being so drunk that you can't function the next morning. As in "Man, I really ate the boob last night. I'm totally hungover." That never really caught on though, mainly because aside from myself, all the people who worked there during the great "I eat the boob" debacle of 2012 are no longer there. Ah, the memories.
So. What have we learned today?
1) Don't hit your waitress in the face with a tray.
2) Don't let your kids run around screaming about eating boobs.
Stay tuned for more lessons. Because learning is fun.
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