Flashback Friday: Paid Escorts Edition

     One of my favorite things that has ever happened at work happened a little over 3 years ago, when I dealt with a cranky old man and his somewhat sub-par paid escorts.  It was around 10 or so in the evening, early spring 2011, and a rather odd trio came in.  It was a man in his late 60s/early 70s and two very young women.  They ended up sitting in my section, and I remember  trying to figure out the relationship between the three of them early on.  One of the girls had an American accent, and the other had some sort of Eastern European accent, so I thought maybe I was dealing with a cranky old man, his daughter, and his mail-order bride.  Oh no.  The truth ended up being so much better.

     They were an odd party to begin with. They changed tables about three times and bickered over the menu.  Eventually they ended up getting bottled water, wine, cocktails, and a shit ton of food. First course comes out, no problem.  They finish it, I clear the plates away, bring new silver, etc. A few moments later I go over to see if they want more cocktails, and as I'm taking the order, all of the sudden the man looks at one of the girls and yells:

"STOP PLAYING ON YOUR PHONE AND ACT LIKE AN ESCORT! I PAID 800 DOLLARS FOR THIS DATE!"

Oh. My. God.  I'd like to say, I stayed pretty damn calm when this happened, and managed not to bust up laughing.  It was supremely awkward though, so I just kind of muttered "Uh....I'll give you a minute" and walked away backwards.  I turned around to see our bartender at the time absolutely losing his shit, which was kind of amazing. I mean...this dude was so stoic and rarely laughed. Very serious, middle aged Israeli guy. Every now and then he'd crack a joke or two, but for the most part he was pretty stone faced.  Not when this happened. He was laughing so hard he was shaking, and for a second I thought he was going to wet himself.  It was that great.

Anyway. I'm sort of keeping an eye on the table from a distance, and I see the phone girl get up, throw her napkin on the ground, and leave.  Prior to the phone girl leaving, the other girl had been trying to mediate and I guess calm the old man down, but it wasn't really working.  So the dramatic exit happens, and you can see the other girl kind of going over the situation in her head....you know, her girl left so maybe she should go after her, but on the other hand she's getting paid, so maybe she should stay.  Speaking of which....is the 800 dollars for the two of them, or is it 800 dollars per girl?  Inquiring minds want to know.

After a few moments, the second girl leaves. Then it gets good.  Remember when I said they ordered a shit ton of food? For the second course the girls had each ordered two entrees, and the man had ordered one as well.  So after all this business at the table happens, the old man is sitting at the table by himself, and then five friggin huge plates of food come out.  And of course the food runner is totally nonplussed by the fact that a cranky old man is now sitting completely alone, and just keeps putting the food down on the table.  At this point I'd kind of decided that I wasn't going anywhere near this guy unless he beckoned me over, because the whole thing was just too weird for me.

So he sits there awkwardly for a minute, kind of tasting a little something from each plate. Then he waves at me. I steel myself and go over.  Before I can even say anything, he opens the conversation with this:

He: That's the last time I go out with a 21 year old!
Me: Oh...uh....yeah...
He: How old are you?
Me: (kind of thinking "oh crap" in my head, but too flabbergasted to do anything but be honest) 28.
He: See! You're mature! You wouldn't do what they just did! *pause* Do you know what Bemelman's is?
Me: Uhh...no?
He:  Bemelman's is the most expensive bar in Manhattan! I told these girls I'd take them anywhere they wanted for dinner, and then we would go to Bemelman's!  Shouldn't they treat me nice? Shouldn't they be better to me? etc etc.

I ended up just saying yes and agreeing with him that he'd been horribly mistreated, mainly because he hadn't paid his bill yet, and I didn't want him to ask me to void any of those uneaten entrees off of his check.

A few minutes later he asked for the check, gave me some "dating advice" that I honestly don't remember, and left.

Over three years later that's still one of the best things I've ever dealt with at work.

I like to think that cranky old man is out there somewhere, wining and dining escorts who don't play on their phones, treating them to a life of luxury at "Bemelmans" that many girls can only dream of.  Oh...if only...